The Magical Thoughts Part Five- The Awakening

And her mind kept going in circles. Deeper and deeper. That same voice that told her she was not in love with him spoke again. This time loudly "He's never going to come back" it echoed through her mind. It hurt, it hurt bad. But it was the truth and so it was good, although it did not feel good. It was good because now she knew she did not have to wait for someone that was not worth waiting for. She had met her ex Isaac on a saturday morning and he spoke to her in volumes. Not the one who broke her heart, but one of those she had dated before. She never had any emotional attachments to him. That was why they were still friends, good admirable friends. In his words she found the truth, he spoke the truth, although it was bare, sudden, intense, it was the truth. The voice kept on telling her "he's not going to come back". A voice whispered "even if he does come back to apologise to you, what would you do?.... Whatever you do make sure you make the right decision. Yes you loved him... But he might not be the best for you" the voice whispered immediately after she had left Isaac. She remembered his words about this new person in her life "he might be the best for you". Her mind shifted to him, the one who she had sat down with to watch the tree cage the moon. She smiled. This smile perhaps was meant not to last long. In a couple of days she started to have second thoughts about it all. Maybe she could not stand the controversies surrounding this boy, maybe it was too early for the feelings. She was not sure. She stared at him one day and tried to decipher what she felt for him. She felt she had betrayed him because she could not love him enough even after hearing so many stories about him from people. She knew true love knew no bounds, this she was sure of. If truly she was working to fall in love with him, she would turn deaf ears to people. But she did not know why she couldn't stand those words. She tried to find the answers to her uncertainties but they only brought uncertain answers. Maybe she was not ready to commit. Her mind wanted freedom, she was not ready, perhaps, to keep thinking of someone. She was not ready for denial, rejection, betrayal, a little love, distrust. She was not ready for the pain in gaining. She was not ready... She was not ready. THE END.

Magical Thoughts Four (a semi - awakening)

Days had passed, clinging with the months as they went past the year like two star-crossed lovers. She would have thought she had known him all her life, but as she looked at his eyes; the one she had come to admire a lot, her mind told her he was still a stranger and she needed time. Her heart and her mind went into unscrupulous disagreements; the heart asking the mind vigorously whether she had all the time in the world or whether he would wait so long. She sat in the midst of her friends envisaging a life worth living. Perhaps, a life worth living with someone whom her mind doubted and her heart had little issues with. "You're just so indecisive" her mind told her heart "all this would not have happened if you did not over trust!". Her heart raced as if trying to run to where her mind was and slap it "oh really!" It said "you coward! You're not near a risk taker. You cower at the sight of risk and avoid anything that might be of good use to us both!" She recalled the three words he said to her " I love you". Those words sounded ordinary, very ordinary. It was devoid of feelings, even though he expressed it the best way he could. It was devoid of the reactions she would have had if she had heard those words from the one whom her heart he broke. She became scared, maybe her heart was hardening, she could not figure out why she did not smile when he said it, why she did not feel relieved or special. She felt nothingness in those words, a complete sense of obscenity crawling inside of her. She hated her mind, she hated her heart, she tried to see if being comfortable with him meant she loved him. But yes she did, she loved him, but No she was not in love with him. That was the answer she got from a voice different from that of her heart and her mind. She paused. She was not in love with him...

LETTERS TO MY DAUGHTER

April surrounds itself with different ideologies, different schools of thought roaming like the stubborn children finding comfort in disturbing the peace of the neighborhood- while I sit in the comfort of my room to write this. And so, my April begins with series of thoughts, thoughts that have been formed into words, words that have become the very soul of existence- that have become life. And so, April begins with Kunbi Black. Sweetheart, we do not know so much but here is one thing that we are certain of; we know you can see us. And we know you are listening to the echoes of our emotions, which in all sincerity have become deep beyond my imagination. I cannot on my own explain how deep these emotions are, only that they have clouded me and brought me to you. I must say that I am deeply hurt to hear that you cry and nag all the time at Angel Michael, telling him that we do not love you. Telling him that we do not want you. Heaven sees my heart. And I say this in all honesty that your mother and I do love you. But sweetheart I wish for many things, things that are impossible on this earth. I wish I could fast-forward time. I wish your mother was not sixteen. I wish I was not a few years older. We talk about you each day of our lives and sometimes we get so engrossed that we are almost a meter close to bringing you down. But then we stop and ask ourselves what the hell are we getting into? We are not ready to set you free and then watch you suffer Sweetheart, my eyes cannot behold it. We love you too much to take you away from Angel Michael, where you get to eat almost every time, to a world where your chances of eating once a day are very slim. For Christ’s sake child, we are but mere students who have grandparents, uncles and aunties looking up to us. Looking forward to a life better than theirs, a life where with our first class at hand, we get a good job, get married and then, bring you home. Bringing you into this cruel world now will simply shatter all of their dreams, hopes and aspirations for us. So my darling daughter, I want you to know that we do love you so much and sincerely wish to have you. However, there are rules that must be followed, there are conditions that must be met and above all, is a supreme being that must not turn his back on us all. We love you and extremely look forward to that day you would come home finally, thank you so much dear because we believe that you have understood these words. Mum and Dad.

The Magical thoughts three

"A penny for your thoughts" he said, looking at her with those emotional uncertain eyes she had gotten to know him with. There was no beginning or ending to those thoughts mixed with uncertainties, pain, happiness, and a dying need to find answers, answers which were not forthcoming and if there ever was any, it was unsatisfactory. She blinked for a while and smiled, that smile that had captured his heart... That smile that made him melt, it was amazing how he will light up when she smiled . It just gave him this unexplained joy to see her brighten up because of him. But it was different this time, she was avoiding his questions again, he just wished she could give him the chance to show her that she was safe with him. So he looked on uncertain, hoping perhaps she will change her mind and tell him this time, surprise him this time... "You're mature... You're very mature... I love that. Its beautiful". He did not want to upset her, those words were beautiful too, she was perfect with that. She had a way of making him forget anger and questions too with those words that will make him feel fulfilled farther than he could think. The moon had left the caress of the tree now... But it had left its mark; this view became somewhat supernatural, heavenly. It became something that might define the remaining part of their lives for all eternity.

something worth penning down...

That tuesday afternoon was not busy; it was not as if it was ever busy. The roads from amadi gardens to Garrison and Rumuola, infact most of the roads in portharcourt seemed small, all choked up. The old GRA, the one car bridge would have been bigger if it was well planned,it was just unlike Lagos, less bigger than Lagos, less stressful than Lagos. It was also, quite dry unlike Lagos where you get to see drama Kings and Queens displaying all sorts of un dignified talents on the roads. As a cab stopped by, I plunged my head inside the window calling out Amadi . He waved his hand in approval and I entered imagining I had entered a kidnapper's cab even though it was painted in the state's white and blue colour. "One in front two at the back! Don't enter!" Sis said continuously,now those words rang in my ears everytime I took a cab. I hoped I would find something interesting enough for me to write down, something different from the dryness attached to Portharcourt . I got down from the cab and entered another cab going to Garrison; the front seat designed for only one person occupied two persons, me included. At that moment, I regretted sitting in front. I turned back to see a beautiful lady, light skinned very little makeup, her eyes enchanted me but I did not look too long so that I could avoid her giving me an inquisitive look. I tried to interest myself with my phone looking and looking at the few sign boards that were on the streets while a man was making a phone call; his voice progressed from low to high after which at his highest pitch, he says "Why she no dey even dey pik call sef! No be say she even fine sef! Na one wo wo tin like that o!... You think say I dey chase you ni!". His voice rang like an alarm in my ears, but everyone in the cab cared less, we all chuckled. He was in the spotlight now, the celebrity of the day, he had done that which violated the boring normalcy of portharcourt. He had cleared the stench boredom air and the saucy memory of him even after he shouted at the driver for not dropping him and turning back to get fuel stuck in my mind.

in seven years we fell

As a kid, we would be caned for breaking plates, we were expected to be careful with plates and hold them carefully, and when it gets broken, ears were deafened to 'it was a mistake' there was simply no mistake in you breaking plates. It was the rule they had laid down, the system that has been brought to open, that which you must obey, if broken, you get spanked till you cried and sulked. Most times, we would hide the broken plates from older siblings and parents, our eyes blinking incessantly, hearts beating at a fast rate, hands shaking; bribing younger ones not to tell, most times secrets are revealed and judgements are passed. As an adult, I realised I could break plates without fear not even a shaking finger, this time rules were different. It would be considered as a "mistake" because you have "grown" to be "careful". Everyone would simply look on like nothing happened. Everyday as we face life's issues, we would find those who are rare through their reactions to such issues. And so today my story begins with a deep respect for human feelings and need... To those who make promises and keep them, to those whose hearts are still soft and red beating in beautiful thumps, to those who would never give up on something they once believed in and to those who would never let the most valuable thing go because they have lost that which is less valuable... In seven years we fall.. As she stood in the darkness, she reminisced the past; the memories were fresh like a ripe fruit, it flashed in front of her eyes like the sun did when one came out of the dark. She paced up and down the room with thoughts en circling her; thoughts of what would have been, she imagined for what seemed like eternity what life would have been if she had married ike. He seemed rare, spotless and unimaginably not one of the so-called "men" who would do unbelievably ruthless and most times stupid things in a relationship. That was why they had dated for seven years in a hope that they would eventually get married someday or, perhaps she had that impression that she would marry him, but the last encounter with him did not seem so 'realistic'. She would not dare to think that Ike would call her one particular night and call out her name. It sounded flat, It felt awkward saying her real name. There were no sweet words like honey sweetheart, "Tomisin" just sounded strange, ordinary and unpleasantly annoying. It was unlike someone you have gotten used to to call you that... It was just one of the rules of a serious relationship. She knew why he was calling, but there was nothing to be said at that moment or at any time for that matter, her tongue was twisted; twisted out of words until her silence made him drop the phone. It was unfathomable, there was nothing to question either, it was rather puzzling why Ike would keep a secret for such a long time. Her world collapsed like a pack of cards when she figured out he had gotten married two days ago. She went from being numb, to shivering, to having a heart palpitation. It was all too heavy on her, she could not bring herself to dialling his number and questioning him. It was of no use now, he was MARRIED , there was no way out. Her silent sobs did not matter to him, all he did was find excuses and problems which he blamed her on. He said he was sorry even though he did not mean those words, she still found it hard to talk. She felt her heart break in all manners as she held on to her chest hoping it would not fall out of her body... She had thought she would die that day, she had also given up on love if it existed it was unimaginable... In seven years she had seen worse than she bargained, she was fighting a lost war, she was working to build up something that was not hers... Everything now was just a blur in her world now, she had other things to do, her children to attend to, her husband to love now because he saved her from the darkness she found in love just as he called out "ife" from the dark room she found herself in... How the heart creates space for someone else is somewhat miraculous.

magical thoughts two

In finding the things we want, we go the extra mile; jumping through un imaginable hoops, fighting fears and walking through heavy storms. But when we finally get that which we want, we suddenly lose interest and turn it away until we lose it... Sometimes if we realise that its worth it, we go through even much greater risk, other times we just let it go and suffer the consequences... 

As he glanced at her he could tell she had seen a lot, gone through a lot, suffered a lot. The pain was glaring right in her eyes even when she laughed heartily. He knew this because he had been there and even gone through worse, he wished to end her deep pain, he wished also that he could be relieved from the confusion she had brought upon him. So because she stared at the moon he stared too 'its beautiful...you're beautiful' he said with wide eyes; eyes that told a love tale. She could see it but she did not fall for it. She felt uneasy, hate boiling up inside, that was the last thing she needed, 'why are men so selfish' she thought. She concluded she would not involve herself with any man until she forgot completely. She was not ready and one of the things he loved while sitting there on that night, the breeze gently caressing their faces, the night lit with the stars was the fact that they were together silently watching the moon enclose its body in the warm caresses of the tree...